The Joys of Opening our Hearts and Home to the World of Fostering!

Social Care Student writes about her experience of gaining three brothers through foster care system.

‘‘Being a part of a foster family is one of the greatest privileges I’ve ever had’’

‘‘The joy they bring into our lives is something that is truly indescribable’’

I remember when I was twelve, I sat down at the table with my two brothers and my parents. My parents told us about this concept called ‘fostering’ and how they were interested in becoming foster parents if we were on board. All of us agreed to becoming a foster family and my brothers and I were thoroughly involved throughout the whole process. Fostering means that you provide care and support for a child in your home whose birth parents may be unable to take care of them due to various different reasons. After we were passed as a foster family we were informed about a set of brothers, ages four and one, and further informed about their mother being pregnant. At the age of fourteen and within the two months of being told that we would become a foster family, I became a sister to a four year old, one year old and a five day old and here we are eight years later.

Labelling has been an issue for my brothers throughout the past eight years. They do not like being referred to as my ‘foster’ brothers because they feel like that excludes them from our family. My brothers are very aware of where they come from and they have a relationship with their birth mother. The boys have asked that we call them our brothers and they refer to my Mam and Dad as, ‘Mam’ and ‘Dad’. I believe that every foster family should let the ‘labelling’ be determined by the child themselves. If my brothers turned around to me tomorrow and said that they didn’t want to be called my brothers anymore, I would take no offence or treat them any differently. It is their choice. Nobody knows what is best for any child in foster care when it comes to what they want to be referred to as, other than the child themselves. Every single child in care has a different experience and therefore a different perspective. I believe fostering is all about being present with the child and taking each day as it comes.

Being a part of a foster family is one of the greatest privileges I've ever had. Has it been easy? No, but I don’t know anything in this world that is worthwhile is easy. I wouldn’t get off this rollercoaster for anything in the world. My brothers have taught me so much about myself and about life in general. The joy they bring into all our lives is something that is truly indescribable. The resilience they show every single day is inspiring. My brothers can put a smile on my face even when I’m in my worst of moods. Everybody has a different meaning of family. Everybody has a different experience of fostering from both the child’s perspectives, the Birth Families and the Foster families. My favourite meaning of family is that ‘‘Family isn’t defined ONLY by last names or by blood; it’s defined by commitment and by love. It means showing up when they need it most. It means having each other’s backs. It means choosing to love each other even on those days when you struggle to like each other. It means never giving up on each other’’ - Dave Willis. According to this definition my brothers will always be part of my family.

Ambiguous loss is also something that most foster families deal with in private. Ambiguous loss is when you lose someone from your life that is still alive. Fostering is supposed to be a temporary placement until the children are reunified with their birth family. This means that foster families have to constantly remind themselves that the children in their care could go back to their birth family at any point. This is one of the most difficult parts of fostering. However, I strongly believe that the impact my brothers have had on my life would be worth the grief I would experience, as long as they’re happy so am I. Some people would argue that foster families have blurred the boundaries of fostering but it is not a 9-5 job, you can’t leave your feelings at the door. My brothers live in our home, and are treated with the love, care and respect they deserve whilst also having a sense of belonging. I know that I am not biologically related to my three brothers and they know that too. That boundary has never blurred. However, when it comes to being loved, feeling like they belong and calling us family I do not believe that is a blurring of boundaries. I believe that is quite normal. You can love a child like they’re your own while still acknowledging that they are not blood relatives and I see nothing wrong with that.

I wouldn’t be doing this social care degree if I didn't gain three brothers when I was fourteen. I think I would’ve been extremely sheltered from the world if I didn’t have the privilege of learning about other types of families and how parents struggle with mental health difficulties, addiction, domestic violence and much more. I have learned so much about childhood trauma and how much early years can impact children. My brothers have been the best thing to ever walk into my life and I cannot wait to see what they bring to this world. Children who are fostered often face stigma and people have often said ‘‘wow you’d never know that they were fostered’’ or ‘‘they don’t look like foster children’’. I don’t know if they were expecting children with horns or something but what I do know is that people are completely ignorant to what a child in foster care is. Many children in foster care have experienced trauma. However, every single child experiences different types of trauma and even if they experience the same situation they can be traumatised in completely different ways. I think the main thing that people forget is they’re not just children who are fostered, they are also a child, a son, a brother, a friend and so much more. Many people have talked to, been friends with and worked with people who have been in care but they just might not have told them purely due to the thought of being viewed differently. I hope my brothers grow up to realise that being in foster care doesn’t define them and that it is just one chapter of a big beautiful book of their life and that they will forever be the best chapter in mine.

By Anonymous (Social Care practice student )

Edited By Keicha Wall (Content Editor)